Stuff the UK needs

If you're reading this, you're probably at least vaguely aware of my background and current situation. Born in the UK, moved to a land of Hottentots (being half Hottentot myself) at an early age, and recently yoyoed back to Blighty. Now, this yoyoing process – having two passports, speaking two languages natively, constant back and forth between two countries – leaves you slightly confused in some areas. Where's “home”? Why is the Nationality section, when filling out forms, multiple choice and not an essay question? Which team do you cheer on at international sporting events? Whose side do you take in the great Cod War? To name but a few of my dilemmas.
However, being a national marble cake does have its advantages. Lost one passport? No problem, just use the other one!* Christmas comes but once a year? Not if you belong to two nations that celebrate Christmas at different times, it doesn't! Want to skip English lessons at school? Wave that maroon passport!
*True story.
Over the past several months of my observations of the English, I have seen it as my duty as a dual nationalist to compile a list of things this country is missing and needs to fix, stat. Seriously, how can you have come this far as a nation without …

-A national directory?
Scenario: You need to contact someone but, disaster! - you don't have their contact details. They don't have a website for you to look it up on. You don't know anyone who'd know their number. If only you could have a book (well, it would have to be a very large book, I'll give you that. Fine, not a book, a website) you could simply look them up in and have their phone number and address in a matter of minutes. Oh, but what about about criminals and identity theft and whatnot?, I hear you ask. Well, get a better lock on your door. I want to be able to contact people when I need to contact them!

-Cheese slicers?
Now, correct me if I'm wrong here. Maybe I'm just hanging with the wrong crowd. But so far, my British friends' and family's reactions to my simple, everyday cheese slicer has been fear and awe. A device for quickly cutting thin slices off a block of cheese? Unheard of! What devilry is this, surely you'll chop a finger off! But Thor Bjørklund (the man who, according to my quick Wikipedia-search, er, I mean extensive research, was the brilliant inventor of this gadget) knew what he was doing. How can you eat cheese without this?

-A second-person singular personal pronoun?
Look, this whole “you” thing is just a little silly. I don't care if we have to start using thees and thous again, it should be my incontestable right to be able to differentiate between singular and plural when I'm speaking to someone. All the other languages get one, why not modern English? To be fair, I understand some of the Americans have been trying to do something about this. I'm not usually a big fan of the southern US way, but in this case, I really think they're onto something. How about we just all start using their method? How would y'all feel about that?

-The verb “nenna”?
Well, it's not so much a lack of a verb as a lack of a concept. -“Would you “nenna” to take out the rubbish for me?” -“No, I don't “nenna” to.” -“This book is boring, I don't “nenna” to read it.” -“Who will “nenna” to go out and get some milk?” How do I answer someone when they ask me to do something I simply can't be bothered to work up the energy to do?

-The adjective “dugleg”?
Moving on from our last little Icelandic lesson: The person who volunteers to go out and get some milk, who “nenna”s, will be praised, called “dugleg”. How many times have I not opened my mouth to tell someone, in one word, that they have worked hard, that they have achieved results, that they are admirable in their successful efforts – only to remember at the last minute that I'm speaking English, and that there's no such word. Sigh. You've finished all the tasks I set you? How I wish I could tell you how “dugleg” you are. We have a lot to do today? If only I could tell you that's okay, that we'll just be “dugleg”! My dog brings back the stick I threw? I guess that'll have to do. Dugleg, dog. Dugleg.